When I’m President 3-24-2022

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

To die for

“That apple pie was to die for!”  No, it isn’t.  NOTHING that is to be consumed is worth dying over.    

Bigger fish to fry

When a problem or an issue is deemed not too important, someone might say they have bigger fish to fry.  How big?  A shark?  What if I’m not particularly hungry at that moment and I only feel like frying a small fish?  I’m not always starving to where I need to fry larger fish.

Plenty of fish in the sea

Staying with the fish theme, when someone experiences a break-up, they might say there are plenty of fish in the sea.  This may be true, but it has little to no bearing on whether I rebound.

A good shit

This one is actually a COMPLIMENT!  It’s a good thing to be called a good shit.  No thank you!  I’m not interested at all!

Delish

Another word that we shorten to either sound cool or because we are too lazy to say the entire word.  Stupid.

Asking for a friend

Here’s one that is used to disguise you are asking for yourself.  Perhaps the thing you are asking about is so embarrassing, you may lose all your friends if they found out you were inquiring about it?

Dollars to doughnuts

When one is so sure of themselves, they are willing to bet something of value for something of much smaller value.  My argument against this one is that I’ve come across many doughnuts in my lifetime whose value FAR exceeded that of a measly dollar.  But nobody every says they will bet doughnuts to dollars.  And what if we are only somewhat sure of ourselves.  Do we substitute dollars for say, pennies?  “I’ll bet you pennies to dust that I am correct.”

When I’m President 2-17-2022

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Brah or br

Has it come to this?  It’s bad enough we are calling people who are not blood relatives, “brother,” however, getting past that, we had to shorten it (true to lazy American form) to, “bro.”  For some reason, that got switched to brah, and then, of course, shortened to just the “B-R” sound.  Idiotic.

For realz?

Yes, REALLY.  This is stupid.

True that or true dat

When you agree with something, you are not supposed to say, “That’s true.”  Rather, another dumb twisting of words.  I get especially nauseous when they change “that” to dat.

In the feels

When something is extra sensitive or makes one emotional, they may say that it hits them in the feels.  Why is it not “in the feelz?”

A little ditty

Musicians are guilty of this one, introducing a song as a little ditty.  Proudly, as a musician, I can say that I have NEVER said this.

Not my first rodeo

When one goes through an experience they have been through before, they may say that it isn’t their first rodeo.  Why rodeo?  How come nobody ever says, “This isn’t my first ox cart pull.”

When I’m President 12-30-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Screw you and the horse you rode in on

Unless you’re talking to George Washington or Paul Revere, this phrase makes no sense.  Stop using it.

On it like Donkey Kong

No!

How do you like them apples?

Which ones?  Mcintosh or Cortlands?  What if I don’t like apples?  Do I say, “I hate them?” 

You feel me?

No, because that is inappropriate behavior and I would never engage in that.

You know what I’m saying?

Unless I am deaf or simply ignoring you (a definite possibility), yes.

This is for the birds

This is used for something we don’t particularly care for.  For example, one might say, “This Covid is for the birds.”  What did the birds ever do to deserve such a fate?  All they do is sing for us every morning and look pretty flying through our yards and we want to pawn off all the crap we don’t want for ourselves.

Shit show

Whenever something is going poorly, we resort to this stupid saying.  “Work today was a shit show.”  Actually, unless the sewer pipes burst, and they were selling tickets and offering seating plans, it was just a bad day at work.

When I’m President 12-23-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Special Edition: Holiday Sayings and Phrases:

Bah humbug

Dickens wrote “A Christmas Carol” in 1843.  Nobody ever says bah humbug until December 15, when everyone says it.  If you don’t use this phrase in June, you shouldn’t use it in December.

Scrooge

Same as bah humbug.  Whenever someone is grumpy in December, they’re referred to as a Scrooge.  In June, they’re an as@&ole.”

Grinch

See above.

Festivus

Seinfeld was a great show, but the Festivus episode was a quarter century ago.  It is no longer funny (and hasn’t been since around 2000) to wish everyone a Happy Festivus or talk about the airing of grievances or feats of strength.  Now, if someone makes the effort to bring an aluminum pole to the office, I’ll listen.

Coal in stocking

Why coal?  Why not threaten someone who is naughty with something far worse than coal?  How about a pile of goat crap?

Happy New Year

You’ll start hearing this one any day now.  They’ll all wish you a Happy New Year.  My question is, how far into the new year do we get before it’s no longer considered new?  January 15?  Do I get to be happy for 14 days and then I’m on my own?  I say to all of you, “Happy All Year.”

When I’m President 12-9-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

In da house

No comment.

D Fence

For 50 years, at every NFL football game, at least one person is holding up a large “D,” while his buddy has a large fence.  It must stop.

Light up the room

“She would just light up the room.”  Anyone can do that provided they have any of the following:  a flashlight, candle, or a lamp with electricity.  It’s not that big of a deal.

Sorry, not sorry

Hi, I’m your new president.  You just got life in prison for saying that.

Piece of the pie

“Everybody should get their piece of the pie.”  Why a pie?  I’d rather get my piece of a large Nestle Crunch Dairy Queen blizzard.  With chocolate soft serve.

You can lead a horse to water

I knew a guy who had a horse.  Never once did he have to lead the horse to water.  No, the thing must have been a downright genius because he could find the water all by himself. 

Dangling the carrot

This is to convince someone to do something.  Let me tell you something.  If you want me to do something, dangling a carrot will send me in the opposite direction.

When I’m President 12-2-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Individual silos

This is used in business, especially in larger organizations.  When separate departments do not work well together, they say, “We’re all in our individual silos.”  Stupid.

An arm and a leg

“I paid and arm and a leg for that camera.”  I enjoy picture taking, but not at the cost of my limbs.

Dumber than a box of rocks

I know a LOT of dumb people.  They’re still smarter than a box of rocks.  And why is it a box of rocks?  Why not a bag of rocks?  Or a box of bagels?

Chill

“Why don’t you just chill?”  No, thank you.  It’s winter.  I’m chilled enough.  I especially hate it when people describe themselves as, chill, as in, “usually, I’m just chill.”  Again, stupid.

This is sick

This is used to describe something……. Good?  “Dude, look at that car!  It’s sick!”  Sounds like a lemon.

Smell a rat

When something seems off, people say they smell a rat.  Well, let me tell you something.  I had a girlfriend.  She always smelled great.  She cheated on me and lied about it.  She still smelled great while doing so.

You win the Internet

When someone has a “witty” one-liner online, someone else rewards them with winning the Internet.  Please.

When I’m President 11-24-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Put in my two cents

If you don’t care about the situation to where you can’t put in more than two lousy pennies, I don’t care one bit about your opinion!  Get out of here!

Food for thought

My thoughts consist of slowly murdering people who overuse these sayings.  They do not need nourishment.

Playing devil’s advocate

Did the devil give you this position?  Was there an opening because I never saw it advertised on Indeed?  Did the former advocate retire?  I’m guessing that hell is not experiencing the same shortage of workers, seeing as a lot of people seemingly play the role.     

Wear many hats

Someone who performs a lot of roles is said to, wear many hats.  This is even said where I work, where wearing a hat is against the organization’s dress code.

Eggs in one basket

We are warned not to do this, but I’m wondering why I would want to utilize multiple baskets for my eggs.  I’m less apt to leave some of them behind if I put them all in one basket.

Two beers short of a six pack

Stupid saying by stupid people who are complaining about someone being stupid.

Hot off the press

This is utilized when something is breaking in the news industry.  It should NOT be utilized to gossip about Aunt Maude’s new beau. 

When I’m President 11-11-2021

Shut the front door

Instead of, “Shut the #@%& up!”  Stupid.

Hump Day

The camel in the commercials made it somewhat funny for a second.  Just a second. Besides, why are we so excited to get the week over with anyway? For that weekend that goes by in the blink of an eye? You want to know what I tell my people at the end of the week? “63 and a half hours and we get to see each other again.”

Getting the band back together

Whenever a group of people that haven’t seen each other or worked together in a while, we call them a band.  When KISS reunited it the mid-nineties, THAT was getting the band back together.

Beat a dead horse

I suppose you’re a tough guy because you beat up a dead horse.  Go punch at a live horse on the prairie.  See if you don’t end up dead yourself.

Only game in town

Let’s suppose Wal-Mart build a 707,000 square foot supercenter in a town with 150 people.  They would say they were the only game in town.  This is most likely not true.  Somewhere in town is probably a bridge game going on.  Elsewhere, a highly competitive game of cornhole.  Lots of games, even in a small town.

Skin in the game

When someone does not have a vested interest in what’s going on, they may use this ridiculous phrase.  Please don’t.

Dog in the fight

Very similar to the one above.  Can’t we leave the animals alone?

When I’m President 11-4-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Get out of jail free card

It usually takes a parole hearing, and then, nobody gets a card that gives them the freedom to simply walk out.

Debbie Downer

I knew a Debbie.  She was extremely upbeat.  Now, Cassie, she was always a downer.  So stop being such a Cassie Downer.

Whodunnit

Stupid.

Thrown under the bus

What about a locomotive?  Nobody ever says, “She threw me under the locomotive.” 

And, I’m not a small guy.  She would have to be awfully strong to throw me anywhere.

Rock star

Often used to describe one’s best employee.  “That Debbie!  Not only is she always upbeat, but she also does a great job!  She’s a rock star!”

Debbie does not play a musical instrument.  I do, and I’m NOT a rock star.  If I were, I wouldn’t be writing this post.  No, Debbie is merely a fantastic employee.  She will have to be satisfied with that.

At the end of the day

This one is used to build us up for the most important stuff.  “At the end of the day, I feel our relationship is not working.”

Why do we always have to wait for the end of the day for resolution?  I would rather get it over with at the beginning of the day.  That way I have time to pack my stuff and get out of there.  Next time, simply say, “I have a whole bunch of nonsensical things I could say, but I’m going to save us both some time and tell you now at the beginning of the day.  We’re through!  Get out!”

Anywho

Instead of “anyhow.”  It’s dumb, mindless, and doesn’t save any time by way of abbreviation.

When I’m President 10-28-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Haters gonna hate

I HATE this saying.

My bad

You see this a lot on the competitive sports field.  Someone makes a mistake, and they pat their chest with their hand and say, “My bad.”  I remember watching my son’s soccer team one time and this one player kept screwing up and doing this.  I wanted to scream, “Stop fu#$&ng up!” 

Imagine if this could get us out of all our indiscretions?  What if I robbed a bank, got caught by the police, and thumped my chest, saying, “My bad?”  Am I to be set free? 

Baeeee

Instead of simply saying, “Goodbye.”  Mind numbing.

Self,

“So, I said to myself, ‘Self…….’

Stupid.

Stupid is as stupid does

Speaking of stupid.  Forrest Gump came out in 1994!  Stop!

Here’s your sign

This one was actually witty when Bill Engvall came up with it.  Even he is retiring.  We should retire the saying, as well.

Too much on my plate

You hear this one a lot in business.  “I can’t possibly take on another project!  I’ve got too much on my plate as it is!”

Work is not food!  You cannot simply scrape the unwanted excess into the garbage!  And you probably do not have too much work to do.  All of the time spent complaining could be used to do some of the work.

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