When I’m President 1-27-2022

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Scratch the surface

“We’re only scratching the surface.”  Why is everything people are looking for waaaaaay below the surface?  What if what I’m in search of is right below the surface line?  Or even ABOVE the surface?  Then, if someone accuses me of only scratching the surface, I can reply, “Good, thank you.” 

Hard to get

When a guy is desperately trying to win the affection of a girl, she pretends not to like him, even though she very well may.  WTF is up with that!  So, if someone is offering me Super Bowl tickets that I would love to have, I’m going to say, “Weeellllll, I don’t know????”  Hell no!  I’m going to be “easy to get” in that scenario.

Rob Peter to pay Paul

Why does Peter always get screwed in this scenario?  He worked his tail off to get to where he is and because Paul plays video games in his parent’s basement with cheese curl stains on his undershirt, Peter must suffer a robbery!  Blasphemy!

In the house (In da house)

If newly elected baseball hall of famer David Ortiz shows up at Fenway Park, they will say, “David Ortiz is in the house!”  No, he is outside on a baseball field.  Worse is when they say, “In da house.”  Stomach churning.

Put 2 and 2 together

This is why we can’t get anywhere in this country.  We’re still struggling to put 2 and 2 together.  Meanwhile, in Japan they’ve managed to put 7,254,651,000 and 7,254,651,000 together.  That’s where we need to get.

The force is strong with this one

Enough with the Yoda sayings!  He’s a cool little guy, but the original movies came out more than 40 years ago!  The same goes for replacing the word force with anything else, such as, “The stupid is strong with this one.”

Good egg

If someone likes me, they might call me a good egg.  I’m not interested in this at all.  Eggs crack easily and I prefer to think I’m cool under pressure.  Just call me a good person, please.

When I’m President 12-9-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

In da house

No comment.

D Fence

For 50 years, at every NFL football game, at least one person is holding up a large “D,” while his buddy has a large fence.  It must stop.

Light up the room

“She would just light up the room.”  Anyone can do that provided they have any of the following:  a flashlight, candle, or a lamp with electricity.  It’s not that big of a deal.

Sorry, not sorry

Hi, I’m your new president.  You just got life in prison for saying that.

Piece of the pie

“Everybody should get their piece of the pie.”  Why a pie?  I’d rather get my piece of a large Nestle Crunch Dairy Queen blizzard.  With chocolate soft serve.

You can lead a horse to water

I knew a guy who had a horse.  Never once did he have to lead the horse to water.  No, the thing must have been a downright genius because he could find the water all by himself. 

Dangling the carrot

This is to convince someone to do something.  Let me tell you something.  If you want me to do something, dangling a carrot will send me in the opposite direction.

When I’m President 10-21-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Bro

I love when someone I don’t know calls me, “Bro.”  I don’t want to even be seen with you, let alone having anyone think we are even potentially related.

Bahahaha

Usually written as an overembellished laugh on social media.  It’s stupid.

Roast beast

Yes, people actually use this to refer to roast beef.  I’ve heard them.  It was somewhat witty when the Grinch said it.  Not you. 

Um

Another written one, usually when sarcastically questioning someone, as in, “Um, you do realize…….”

Between you, me, and the lamppost

Um, the lamppost is an object and cannot hear anything we are discussing.

Houston, we’ve had a problem

Yes, this old reference to the Apollo 13 movie is still frequently used.  26 years later.

All that jazz

I love jazz music, but not that much. Let’s not leave out the other genres of music.

When I’m President 10-7-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Me Thinks

The Battle of Gettysburg was the turning point of the Civil War, methinks.

Anyone who uses this ridiculous “word” is out of my country, I think.

No Soup For You, Yadda Yadda Yadda, Festivus

I loved Seinfeld, AND, when the show was in prime time, I DID use some of the catchphrases and sayings in my everyday life. BUT THE SHOW ENDED MORE THAN 20 YEARS AGO! Every holiday, some bozo in the office will still go around wishing everyone a happy Festivus. And No soup for you. People will blurt this one out for any situation, even if it makes no sense. Just stop already!

BFF

NO!

Crickets

I asked them what on earth they thought they were doing.  Crickets.

I have sat in complete silence before and actually heard NOTHING.  Not even crickets.

Could hear a pin drop

The visiting team scored five runs in the top of the ninth inning, and you could hear a pin drop.

Even if NONE of the 20,000 people in the stands were talking at that moment, you still wouldn’t be able to hear a pin drop.  Even by the person who dropped the pin.

Fly on the wall

I’d like to be a fly on the wall at that meeting.

No, you probably wouldn’t.  Someone in the meeting might take a fly swatter to you and then continue with their meeting like nothing happened.

When I’m President 9-16-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

I watch a lot of murder shows on television. It just is an interest of mine. I enjoy them all. Mysteries, cold cases, investigations, etc. That said, they are LOADED with catchphrases that drive me nuts! Here are the biggest culprits.

Everybody knows everybody, as in, “It’s such as small town where everybody knows everybody.”  I live in a small town.  I don’t even know the guy who lives across the street, let alone everyone else in town.

Everyone loved her.  This is a phrase commonly used to talk about a murder victim, as in, “I don’t know who could do something like this to her.  Everyone loved her.”  Um, somebody clearly didn’t.

This sort of thing just doesn’t happen here.  Um, it just did!

Red flags, alarm bells, bells and whistles.

Smoking gun, as in, “Police have some evidence, but they don’t have the smoking gun.”  Probably because the perpetrator threw it into the cold river bottom.

Canvasing, as in, “Police are canvasing the area.”  Sounds to me like something Picasso would do.

Hit the Pavement, as in, “Detectives hit the pavement trying to find clues.”  This seems to me like a waste of time.

Also, for the love of God, if you’re going to commit a crime as serious as murder, do yourself a Huuuuuuuuge favor:

  1. Leave your damn cell phone at home.  Don’t bring it to the scene of the crime.  I don’t know how many of these shows I’ve watched, the perpetrator was caught because his phone pinged off the cell tower next door to the house where the crime was committed.
  2. Do not attempt to cash in on the life insurance money less than eight hours from the second the victim stopped breathing.  Detectives pick up on this extremely quick.  If possible, you may want to wait 30 days or so, you know, so you can give off some impression that you were grieving your loss.
  3. Do not have your trash picked up on the street.  Instead, take the time and effort to drive your trash across at least two state lines to discard.  DNA, people.  DNA.
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