When I’m President 3-24-2022

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

To die for

“That apple pie was to die for!”  No, it isn’t.  NOTHING that is to be consumed is worth dying over.    

Bigger fish to fry

When a problem or an issue is deemed not too important, someone might say they have bigger fish to fry.  How big?  A shark?  What if I’m not particularly hungry at that moment and I only feel like frying a small fish?  I’m not always starving to where I need to fry larger fish.

Plenty of fish in the sea

Staying with the fish theme, when someone experiences a break-up, they might say there are plenty of fish in the sea.  This may be true, but it has little to no bearing on whether I rebound.

A good shit

This one is actually a COMPLIMENT!  It’s a good thing to be called a good shit.  No thank you!  I’m not interested at all!

Delish

Another word that we shorten to either sound cool or because we are too lazy to say the entire word.  Stupid.

Asking for a friend

Here’s one that is used to disguise you are asking for yourself.  Perhaps the thing you are asking about is so embarrassing, you may lose all your friends if they found out you were inquiring about it?

Dollars to doughnuts

When one is so sure of themselves, they are willing to bet something of value for something of much smaller value.  My argument against this one is that I’ve come across many doughnuts in my lifetime whose value FAR exceeded that of a measly dollar.  But nobody every says they will bet doughnuts to dollars.  And what if we are only somewhat sure of ourselves.  Do we substitute dollars for say, pennies?  “I’ll bet you pennies to dust that I am correct.”

When I’m President 2-17-2022

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Brah or br

Has it come to this?  It’s bad enough we are calling people who are not blood relatives, “brother,” however, getting past that, we had to shorten it (true to lazy American form) to, “bro.”  For some reason, that got switched to brah, and then, of course, shortened to just the “B-R” sound.  Idiotic.

For realz?

Yes, REALLY.  This is stupid.

True that or true dat

When you agree with something, you are not supposed to say, “That’s true.”  Rather, another dumb twisting of words.  I get especially nauseous when they change “that” to dat.

In the feels

When something is extra sensitive or makes one emotional, they may say that it hits them in the feels.  Why is it not “in the feelz?”

A little ditty

Musicians are guilty of this one, introducing a song as a little ditty.  Proudly, as a musician, I can say that I have NEVER said this.

Not my first rodeo

When one goes through an experience they have been through before, they may say that it isn’t their first rodeo.  Why rodeo?  How come nobody ever says, “This isn’t my first ox cart pull.”

When I’m President 1-27-2022

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Scratch the surface

“We’re only scratching the surface.”  Why is everything people are looking for waaaaaay below the surface?  What if what I’m in search of is right below the surface line?  Or even ABOVE the surface?  Then, if someone accuses me of only scratching the surface, I can reply, “Good, thank you.” 

Hard to get

When a guy is desperately trying to win the affection of a girl, she pretends not to like him, even though she very well may.  WTF is up with that!  So, if someone is offering me Super Bowl tickets that I would love to have, I’m going to say, “Weeellllll, I don’t know????”  Hell no!  I’m going to be “easy to get” in that scenario.

Rob Peter to pay Paul

Why does Peter always get screwed in this scenario?  He worked his tail off to get to where he is and because Paul plays video games in his parent’s basement with cheese curl stains on his undershirt, Peter must suffer a robbery!  Blasphemy!

In the house (In da house)

If newly elected baseball hall of famer David Ortiz shows up at Fenway Park, they will say, “David Ortiz is in the house!”  No, he is outside on a baseball field.  Worse is when they say, “In da house.”  Stomach churning.

Put 2 and 2 together

This is why we can’t get anywhere in this country.  We’re still struggling to put 2 and 2 together.  Meanwhile, in Japan they’ve managed to put 7,254,651,000 and 7,254,651,000 together.  That’s where we need to get.

The force is strong with this one

Enough with the Yoda sayings!  He’s a cool little guy, but the original movies came out more than 40 years ago!  The same goes for replacing the word force with anything else, such as, “The stupid is strong with this one.”

Good egg

If someone likes me, they might call me a good egg.  I’m not interested in this at all.  Eggs crack easily and I prefer to think I’m cool under pressure.  Just call me a good person, please.

When I’m President 1-13-2022

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Dressed to the nines

I will not even entertain this one.

Woot woot

A lot of folks use this one on social media when they are happy.  I have an entirely separate rant about social media, but that will be for another time.  Take it from me.  This one is stupid.

Sit-e-ation

Let me correct you.  Sit-U-ation. 

Burbs

Used to shorten the word, “suburbs.”  Which is not all that necessary.  Suburbs is a rather easy word to say.  Now, if you wanted to shorten the word, “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious,” I’d entertain it.  Not suburbs.

My neck of the woods

The woods I live there have no neck.  They have trees, leaves, stumps, shrubs, and animals.  No neck or really any body parts.  If there were body parts out there, I would have found them already.  Unless I’m the one that buried them. 

Sheep

Followers are criticized as sheep, which really makes me think of something.  What are we supposed to call actual sheep that are following?  Sheep?  That’s what they are.  How is that sarcastic?

Outside the box

This is used a lot in business.  Let’s think outside the box.  How big is this supposed box that every organization in the world gets saddled inside?  You would think that ONE company has someone who can think outside this box without being told to.

When I’m President 1-6-2022

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Takes the cake

“That just takes the cake.”  What if I’m watching my waistline?  I wouldn’t want cake.  Maybe I’d like an apple.  Nobody says, “That just takes the apple.”  Poor apple.  It’s always left out.  And I keep gaining weight.

Brownie points

Trying to get on someone’s good side is often considered trying to get brownie points.  Same thing as taking the cake.  Maybe I want to score some apple points.  Apparently, it’s not an option. 

Cut from the same cloth

People who act in a similar manner are said to be cut from the same cloth.  I was totally unaware my being was formed out of cloth.  I clearly took those sex education classes too literally.

Fit as a fiddle

There are millions of things that are more fit than a fiddle.  How about a power lifter?  A bikini model?  Why are we lowering our expectations of what it means to be in good shape or in good health?  A fiddle?  Come on!

Take a deeper dive

When someone wants to take a closer look at something, they take a deeper dive.  This could be unwise.  What if I’m hunting and I come across a pile of bear scat?  I may want to examine it to see what the bear has been eating.  I’m certainly not going to dive into it!  I’m especially not going to dive deeper into it! 

A game of cat and mouse

Taken from Merriam Webster:

to engage in behavior that is like the way a cat chases a mouse or plays with a mouse before killing it —used especially to describe behavior in which someone says or does different things to deceive or control other people, to avoid being caught, etc.

Okay, I think I may understand this one.  My first wife (more than 25 years ago) informed me she was not happy with our marriage because we always seemed to be living paycheck to paycheck.  I volunteered to work overtime to bring in some extra cash.  She did, as well.  Only her “overtime” was with our car mechanic.  This may have been playing a game of cat and mouse, no?

Peanut gallery

“I don’t want to hear any more from the peanut gallery.”  Just dumb!  I’m more likely to say, “Shut the f&#k up!” 

When I’m President 12-30-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Screw you and the horse you rode in on

Unless you’re talking to George Washington or Paul Revere, this phrase makes no sense.  Stop using it.

On it like Donkey Kong

No!

How do you like them apples?

Which ones?  Mcintosh or Cortlands?  What if I don’t like apples?  Do I say, “I hate them?” 

You feel me?

No, because that is inappropriate behavior and I would never engage in that.

You know what I’m saying?

Unless I am deaf or simply ignoring you (a definite possibility), yes.

This is for the birds

This is used for something we don’t particularly care for.  For example, one might say, “This Covid is for the birds.”  What did the birds ever do to deserve such a fate?  All they do is sing for us every morning and look pretty flying through our yards and we want to pawn off all the crap we don’t want for ourselves.

Shit show

Whenever something is going poorly, we resort to this stupid saying.  “Work today was a shit show.”  Actually, unless the sewer pipes burst, and they were selling tickets and offering seating plans, it was just a bad day at work.

When I’m President 12-23-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Special Edition: Holiday Sayings and Phrases:

Bah humbug

Dickens wrote “A Christmas Carol” in 1843.  Nobody ever says bah humbug until December 15, when everyone says it.  If you don’t use this phrase in June, you shouldn’t use it in December.

Scrooge

Same as bah humbug.  Whenever someone is grumpy in December, they’re referred to as a Scrooge.  In June, they’re an as@&ole.”

Grinch

See above.

Festivus

Seinfeld was a great show, but the Festivus episode was a quarter century ago.  It is no longer funny (and hasn’t been since around 2000) to wish everyone a Happy Festivus or talk about the airing of grievances or feats of strength.  Now, if someone makes the effort to bring an aluminum pole to the office, I’ll listen.

Coal in stocking

Why coal?  Why not threaten someone who is naughty with something far worse than coal?  How about a pile of goat crap?

Happy New Year

You’ll start hearing this one any day now.  They’ll all wish you a Happy New Year.  My question is, how far into the new year do we get before it’s no longer considered new?  January 15?  Do I get to be happy for 14 days and then I’m on my own?  I say to all of you, “Happy All Year.”

When I’m President 12-16-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Going to the ship

This nauseating saying references when someone’s team advances to the championship game.  I hope they lose.

What say you?

You don’t want me to say anything.

Sesh

Short for, “session.”  We are actually too lazy to verbalize the word, “session.” 

Ladies and germs

Dumb.

Spoiler alert

It was fine to use this when actually discussing a movie or TV show, but now we’ve become ridiculous with this one.

All the cool kids are doing it

If you are using this phrase, you are the furthest thing from cool.

What happens in Vegas…….

It was a witty commercial decades ago.  Now, people use it for every place they go.  If someone has four beers in Tulsa, they’ll say, “What happens in Tulsa…….”

When I’m President 12-9-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

In da house

No comment.

D Fence

For 50 years, at every NFL football game, at least one person is holding up a large “D,” while his buddy has a large fence.  It must stop.

Light up the room

“She would just light up the room.”  Anyone can do that provided they have any of the following:  a flashlight, candle, or a lamp with electricity.  It’s not that big of a deal.

Sorry, not sorry

Hi, I’m your new president.  You just got life in prison for saying that.

Piece of the pie

“Everybody should get their piece of the pie.”  Why a pie?  I’d rather get my piece of a large Nestle Crunch Dairy Queen blizzard.  With chocolate soft serve.

You can lead a horse to water

I knew a guy who had a horse.  Never once did he have to lead the horse to water.  No, the thing must have been a downright genius because he could find the water all by himself. 

Dangling the carrot

This is to convince someone to do something.  Let me tell you something.  If you want me to do something, dangling a carrot will send me in the opposite direction.

When I’m President 12-2-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Individual silos

This is used in business, especially in larger organizations.  When separate departments do not work well together, they say, “We’re all in our individual silos.”  Stupid.

An arm and a leg

“I paid and arm and a leg for that camera.”  I enjoy picture taking, but not at the cost of my limbs.

Dumber than a box of rocks

I know a LOT of dumb people.  They’re still smarter than a box of rocks.  And why is it a box of rocks?  Why not a bag of rocks?  Or a box of bagels?

Chill

“Why don’t you just chill?”  No, thank you.  It’s winter.  I’m chilled enough.  I especially hate it when people describe themselves as, chill, as in, “usually, I’m just chill.”  Again, stupid.

This is sick

This is used to describe something……. Good?  “Dude, look at that car!  It’s sick!”  Sounds like a lemon.

Smell a rat

When something seems off, people say they smell a rat.  Well, let me tell you something.  I had a girlfriend.  She always smelled great.  She cheated on me and lied about it.  She still smelled great while doing so.

You win the Internet

When someone has a “witty” one-liner online, someone else rewards them with winning the Internet.  Please.