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When I’m President 9-16-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

I watch a lot of murder shows on television. It just is an interest of mine. I enjoy them all. Mysteries, cold cases, investigations, etc. That said, they are LOADED with catchphrases that drive me nuts! Here are the biggest culprits.

Everybody knows everybody, as in, “It’s such as small town where everybody knows everybody.”  I live in a small town.  I don’t even know the guy who lives across the street, let alone everyone else in town.

Everyone loved her.  This is a phrase commonly used to talk about a murder victim, as in, “I don’t know who could do something like this to her.  Everyone loved her.”  Um, somebody clearly didn’t.

This sort of thing just doesn’t happen here.  Um, it just did!

Red flags, alarm bells, bells and whistles.

Smoking gun, as in, “Police have some evidence, but they don’t have the smoking gun.”  Probably because the perpetrator threw it into the cold river bottom.

Canvasing, as in, “Police are canvasing the area.”  Sounds to me like something Picasso would do.

Hit the Pavement, as in, “Detectives hit the pavement trying to find clues.”  This seems to me like a waste of time.

Also, for the love of God, if you’re going to commit a crime as serious as murder, do yourself a Huuuuuuuuge favor:

  1. Leave your damn cell phone at home.  Don’t bring it to the scene of the crime.  I don’t know how many of these shows I’ve watched, the perpetrator was caught because his phone pinged off the cell tower next door to the house where the crime was committed.
  2. Do not attempt to cash in on the life insurance money less than eight hours from the second the victim stopped breathing.  Detectives pick up on this extremely quick.  If possible, you may want to wait 30 days or so, you know, so you can give off some impression that you were grieving your loss.
  3. Do not have your trash picked up on the street.  Instead, take the time and effort to drive your trash across at least two state lines to discard.  DNA, people.  DNA.