When I’m President 11-24-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Put in my two cents

If you don’t care about the situation to where you can’t put in more than two lousy pennies, I don’t care one bit about your opinion!  Get out of here!

Food for thought

My thoughts consist of slowly murdering people who overuse these sayings.  They do not need nourishment.

Playing devil’s advocate

Did the devil give you this position?  Was there an opening because I never saw it advertised on Indeed?  Did the former advocate retire?  I’m guessing that hell is not experiencing the same shortage of workers, seeing as a lot of people seemingly play the role.     

Wear many hats

Someone who performs a lot of roles is said to, wear many hats.  This is even said where I work, where wearing a hat is against the organization’s dress code.

Eggs in one basket

We are warned not to do this, but I’m wondering why I would want to utilize multiple baskets for my eggs.  I’m less apt to leave some of them behind if I put them all in one basket.

Two beers short of a six pack

Stupid saying by stupid people who are complaining about someone being stupid.

Hot off the press

This is utilized when something is breaking in the news industry.  It should NOT be utilized to gossip about Aunt Maude’s new beau. 

When I’m President 11-11-2021

Shut the front door

Instead of, “Shut the #@%& up!”  Stupid.

Hump Day

The camel in the commercials made it somewhat funny for a second.  Just a second. Besides, why are we so excited to get the week over with anyway? For that weekend that goes by in the blink of an eye? You want to know what I tell my people at the end of the week? “63 and a half hours and we get to see each other again.”

Getting the band back together

Whenever a group of people that haven’t seen each other or worked together in a while, we call them a band.  When KISS reunited it the mid-nineties, THAT was getting the band back together.

Beat a dead horse

I suppose you’re a tough guy because you beat up a dead horse.  Go punch at a live horse on the prairie.  See if you don’t end up dead yourself.

Only game in town

Let’s suppose Wal-Mart build a 707,000 square foot supercenter in a town with 150 people.  They would say they were the only game in town.  This is most likely not true.  Somewhere in town is probably a bridge game going on.  Elsewhere, a highly competitive game of cornhole.  Lots of games, even in a small town.

Skin in the game

When someone does not have a vested interest in what’s going on, they may use this ridiculous phrase.  Please don’t.

Dog in the fight

Very similar to the one above.  Can’t we leave the animals alone?

When I’m President 11-4-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Get out of jail free card

It usually takes a parole hearing, and then, nobody gets a card that gives them the freedom to simply walk out.

Debbie Downer

I knew a Debbie.  She was extremely upbeat.  Now, Cassie, she was always a downer.  So stop being such a Cassie Downer.

Whodunnit

Stupid.

Thrown under the bus

What about a locomotive?  Nobody ever says, “She threw me under the locomotive.” 

And, I’m not a small guy.  She would have to be awfully strong to throw me anywhere.

Rock star

Often used to describe one’s best employee.  “That Debbie!  Not only is she always upbeat, but she also does a great job!  She’s a rock star!”

Debbie does not play a musical instrument.  I do, and I’m NOT a rock star.  If I were, I wouldn’t be writing this post.  No, Debbie is merely a fantastic employee.  She will have to be satisfied with that.

At the end of the day

This one is used to build us up for the most important stuff.  “At the end of the day, I feel our relationship is not working.”

Why do we always have to wait for the end of the day for resolution?  I would rather get it over with at the beginning of the day.  That way I have time to pack my stuff and get out of there.  Next time, simply say, “I have a whole bunch of nonsensical things I could say, but I’m going to save us both some time and tell you now at the beginning of the day.  We’re through!  Get out!”

Anywho

Instead of “anyhow.”  It’s dumb, mindless, and doesn’t save any time by way of abbreviation.

When I’m President 10-28-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Haters gonna hate

I HATE this saying.

My bad

You see this a lot on the competitive sports field.  Someone makes a mistake, and they pat their chest with their hand and say, “My bad.”  I remember watching my son’s soccer team one time and this one player kept screwing up and doing this.  I wanted to scream, “Stop fu#$&ng up!” 

Imagine if this could get us out of all our indiscretions?  What if I robbed a bank, got caught by the police, and thumped my chest, saying, “My bad?”  Am I to be set free? 

Baeeee

Instead of simply saying, “Goodbye.”  Mind numbing.

Self,

“So, I said to myself, ‘Self…….’

Stupid.

Stupid is as stupid does

Speaking of stupid.  Forrest Gump came out in 1994!  Stop!

Here’s your sign

This one was actually witty when Bill Engvall came up with it.  Even he is retiring.  We should retire the saying, as well.

Too much on my plate

You hear this one a lot in business.  “I can’t possibly take on another project!  I’ve got too much on my plate as it is!”

Work is not food!  You cannot simply scrape the unwanted excess into the garbage!  And you probably do not have too much work to do.  All of the time spent complaining could be used to do some of the work.

When I’m President 10-21-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Bro

I love when someone I don’t know calls me, “Bro.”  I don’t want to even be seen with you, let alone having anyone think we are even potentially related.

Bahahaha

Usually written as an overembellished laugh on social media.  It’s stupid.

Roast beast

Yes, people actually use this to refer to roast beef.  I’ve heard them.  It was somewhat witty when the Grinch said it.  Not you. 

Um

Another written one, usually when sarcastically questioning someone, as in, “Um, you do realize…….”

Between you, me, and the lamppost

Um, the lamppost is an object and cannot hear anything we are discussing.

Houston, we’ve had a problem

Yes, this old reference to the Apollo 13 movie is still frequently used.  26 years later.

All that jazz

I love jazz music, but not that much. Let’s not leave out the other genres of music.

When I’m President 10-14-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

I’m not going to lie

That’s good.  You shouldn’t.

Coinkidink

Just plain dumb.

All over it like white on rice

What if I want brown rice?  No mention of that.

Awesome sauce

Foolishness

Been there, done that

Old and tired.  I especially love it (my eyes are rolling) when they follow it up with, “…….and bought the shirt.”

Easy peasy (lemon squeazy)

Hi there.  I’m your new president.  It’s time for you to leave the country.

I got your back

Well, give it back to me.  It makes it easier to support my neck and head.

When I’m President 10-7-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Me Thinks

The Battle of Gettysburg was the turning point of the Civil War, methinks.

Anyone who uses this ridiculous “word” is out of my country, I think.

No Soup For You, Yadda Yadda Yadda, Festivus

I loved Seinfeld, AND, when the show was in prime time, I DID use some of the catchphrases and sayings in my everyday life. BUT THE SHOW ENDED MORE THAN 20 YEARS AGO! Every holiday, some bozo in the office will still go around wishing everyone a happy Festivus. And No soup for you. People will blurt this one out for any situation, even if it makes no sense. Just stop already!

BFF

NO!

Crickets

I asked them what on earth they thought they were doing.  Crickets.

I have sat in complete silence before and actually heard NOTHING.  Not even crickets.

Could hear a pin drop

The visiting team scored five runs in the top of the ninth inning, and you could hear a pin drop.

Even if NONE of the 20,000 people in the stands were talking at that moment, you still wouldn’t be able to hear a pin drop.  Even by the person who dropped the pin.

Fly on the wall

I’d like to be a fly on the wall at that meeting.

No, you probably wouldn’t.  Someone in the meeting might take a fly swatter to you and then continue with their meeting like nothing happened.

When I’m President 9-30-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Ducks on the pond

You hear this a lot in baseball.  When there are runners on base, they say there’s ducks on the pond.  Stupid.

Yous, as in, “I’ve got something I want to tell yous.”  Wtf?

Between a rock and a hard place

Overused and tired.

Killing two birds with one stone

See above.

Putting the cart before the horse

Ugh! 

In the loop

Keep me in the loop.  No keep me out of the loop please.

Keeping it real

Nope.

Next steps

You hear this a lot in business.  “So, what are the next steps?”  DO your #$%##&* job!”

Bestie

Dumb, dumb, dumb.

When I’m President 9-23-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

So, without further ado, here is my list of catch words, sayings, and phrases that will be OUTLAWED or simply GONE, should I ever become president.  A word of caution, you most likely use one or many of these………

Peeps, as in using social media to post, “Where are all my peeps out there?” 

Vomit inducing.

Butt hurt.  Used to describe someone whose feelings are hurt. 

How about saying, “He’s sensitive?”

Dope.  “I just came back from the best concert ever!  Man, that was DOPE!” 

Man, you sound like an idiot!

You Do You

Nothing to say here.

Chillaxin’

This one is just plain stupid.

It’s 5 o’clock somewhere

Every single Friday from now until the end of time itself, someone will utter this nonsensical phrase at around lunchtime.

Get r done

Please just stop.

When I’m President 9-16-2021

I don’t plan on running for president anytime soon.  However, if I did, and was elected, things would be a whole lot different around here.  This post is not meant to get into anything political AT ALL, rather, it’s a way for me to blow off a little steam regarding a bunch of things people say WAY TOO MUCH that drive me crazy.  As there are approximately eight gazillion things that bother me, I will share a partial list, say, every Thursday.

I watch a lot of murder shows on television. It just is an interest of mine. I enjoy them all. Mysteries, cold cases, investigations, etc. That said, they are LOADED with catchphrases that drive me nuts! Here are the biggest culprits.

Everybody knows everybody, as in, “It’s such as small town where everybody knows everybody.”  I live in a small town.  I don’t even know the guy who lives across the street, let alone everyone else in town.

Everyone loved her.  This is a phrase commonly used to talk about a murder victim, as in, “I don’t know who could do something like this to her.  Everyone loved her.”  Um, somebody clearly didn’t.

This sort of thing just doesn’t happen here.  Um, it just did!

Red flags, alarm bells, bells and whistles.

Smoking gun, as in, “Police have some evidence, but they don’t have the smoking gun.”  Probably because the perpetrator threw it into the cold river bottom.

Canvasing, as in, “Police are canvasing the area.”  Sounds to me like something Picasso would do.

Hit the Pavement, as in, “Detectives hit the pavement trying to find clues.”  This seems to me like a waste of time.

Also, for the love of God, if you’re going to commit a crime as serious as murder, do yourself a Huuuuuuuuge favor:

  1. Leave your damn cell phone at home.  Don’t bring it to the scene of the crime.  I don’t know how many of these shows I’ve watched, the perpetrator was caught because his phone pinged off the cell tower next door to the house where the crime was committed.
  2. Do not attempt to cash in on the life insurance money less than eight hours from the second the victim stopped breathing.  Detectives pick up on this extremely quick.  If possible, you may want to wait 30 days or so, you know, so you can give off some impression that you were grieving your loss.
  3. Do not have your trash picked up on the street.  Instead, take the time and effort to drive your trash across at least two state lines to discard.  DNA, people.  DNA.
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